


Mordor Hath no Fury Like a Hobbit Scorned

by Dach



Series: Galadriel's Hairpin Box [1]
Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: A Bit Not Good, BAMF Bilbo Baggins, Bilbo is So Done, Bilbo is a good host, Crack, Cultural Differences, Fili and Kili: The Demonic Dwarf Brothers, Gen, Humor, Rude Dwarves, Sassy Bilbo Baggins, Stubborn Dwarves, The Author Regrets Nothing, Thorin Broodysheild, Thorin Is an Idiot, To Be Continued?, What Have I Done, nope - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-30
Updated: 2017-01-30
Packaged: 2018-09-20 23:43:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,423
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9521273
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dach/pseuds/Dach
Summary: Bilbo has endured meddling wizards and rude dwarves. Surely, he can survive this broody-DID YOU JUST INSULT ME??!?!?~~~Bilbo gets fed up with ill-mannered dwarves.





	

Bilbo Baggins had most certainly had enough.

First, a family friend that he only  _ vaguely _ knew showed up at his doorstep, insisting that he had the right to push Bilbo’s respectable person right out the door! And then, when Bilbo had (understandably, you see)  _ denied _ that the wizard held any such power over him, the damn meddler just  _ had _ to bring up his mother.

_ Oh, yes, _ Bilbo seethed,  _ he had the  _ nerve _ to do that!!! _

Bilbo had promptly shut the door in the bearded wizard’s face, nearly catching his staff in the doorframe and cracking it in half (not that he would have cared, should it have actually broken).

Despite that rude little interruption, Bilbo had gone on with his day, chatting good-naturedly with the Gamgees, and sending a glare at Lobelia when she wandered a bit too near to his his home. It had been delightfully sunny, and the hobbit had even managed to glean a small amount of time for sunbathing before he had to resume his gardening.

He had huffed a sigh and cooked himself a dinner. But not any sooner than had he seated himself comfortably to begin supper, then had a loud knock sounded at the door. He frowned immediately, and his mind had flown to his little…  _ encounter _ with The Meddler, as he had deemed the wizard, from before. Bilbo had dismissed the thought immediately thinking that surely, the wizard could take a simple ‘no’?

The answer to the question became painfully clear when Bilbo opened the door to reveal a massive, tattooed and scarred  _ dwarf _ . Of all things on Yavanna’s green Arda! Still, Bilbo had smiled, and requested politely as to the dwarf’s current whereabouts. He received a grunt, and a blunt ‘Where’s suppa’?’ in response, before being nearly  _ shoved _ aside as the behemoth made his way into his humble little abode. Bilbo had been nearly about to protest, when he caught sight of the massive axes crossed over the dwarf’s back. He did his best not to allow the paleness in his face to give his fear away.

For about ten minutes, he sat awkwardly behind the dwarf, watching with a sort of horrified fascination as the creature- Dwalin, he had been abruptly informed- tore into  _ Bilbo’s _ meal! And he asked- that was a weak word, now that he thought about it- for  _ more _ !!!

Bilbo had stood, gathering some bread rolls from his basket to hopefully hide from this demon-dwarf’s gullet, and handed the remainder of his bread to the dwarf. He received no thanks and had expected none as the dwarf promptly stuffed his face.

Just as he was considering the merits of poisoning the creature and dragging the body out back, another knock at the door sounded.

This time, Bilbo had been grateful to find that the white-haired dwarf which awaited him had debatable manners, wishing him a good day and thanking him for-  _ DID HE SAY BURGLAR?!???  _

Before Bilbo could interrogate ‘Balin’, as the dwarf was called, further, his newest guest called out to his less-recently received one, crashing their heads together with a terrific knock and causing Bilbo to visibly cringe. No wonder they were so ill-mannered!!! The brain damage alone, honestly!

Unfortunately, with the dwarves rummaging through the pantry as they were, they could hardly hear any of Bilbo’s stuttered speech. And just as BIlbo was deciding that  _ ‘Yes indeed, it could be very well worth it to poison this lot,’ _ another knock came from his threshold. With a barely restrained groan, he puttered to the door. Bilbo opened it and promptly shut it, upon being greeted by not one, but  _ two  _ dwarves! Honestly, a respectable hobbit could remain polite for only so long! ‘ _ By Eru, should any dwarves force their way into my smial, I may just be ill-’ _ no sooner than had Bilbo thought that, then had the to dwarven boys pushed their way inside, quite uninvited, but not unnerved by Bilbo’s sputtered indignanties. Bilbo swayed slightly where he stood.  _ ‘Yep. Definately ill.’ _

__ Somehow, if the dwarves  _ accidentally _ found the vermin-poison at the back of his closet, he wouldn’t be surprised. Surely, he could go on despite the *mocking sniff*  _ terrible _ tragedy?

Another knock. A harried, and slightly-maniacal laugh escaped Bilbo, and he stalked to the door, wrenching it open only to be near-buried in unwashed, simply  _ filthy _ , dwarven bodies. With much sputtering, he was extracted by- Bilbo’s eyes narrowed.  _ The Meddler _ .

“A word,” he had gritted out, “Gandalf?” 

The wizard had nodded, and bilbo had been about to drag the wizard into the adjoining room when he caught sight of, “IS THAT MY MOTHER’S WESTFARTHING CROCKERY??!?!?” being escorted on a very aerial path. He winced as it nearly crashed into his nice oaken cabinet, and was narrowly escaped by one of the two Evil Dwarf Brothers. And life went on, Bilbo running from one end of his smial to the other, stopping thieves from nicking his “holy washcloths” and shooing dwarven brothers away from some of his finer china. By the time that the door was knocked upon for what seemed the final time, he was  _ livid _ .

The dwarf that entered his smial had an aura of power, and all previously rowdy dwarves fell silent. There were only two ways to describe this newcomer; magnificent, and shaggy. At last, the dark-haired dwarf spoke, his voice tired.

“Gandalf,” he noticed, “I thought you said this house would be easy to find. I have been lost already, and, were it not for the mark on the door, I never would have found this place.”

The Meddler bowed his head in apology, while Bilbo checked the door for the ‘mark’. Something bright blue and of runic structure resided upon his nice, recently-painted door, and he  _ didn’t like it one bit _ .

So angry was Bilbo, that he almost missed The Broody Dwarf, as Bilbo had named him, adress him as  _ burglar _ , and ask him about his choice of weapon. The peaceful hobbit tried to joke, and was promptly called a  _ grocer _ , in obvious insult!

Oh yes. Bilbo had most certainly had enough.

“Gandalf!” He turned on the wizard with rage in his eyes. “When will you learn to take ‘NO’ for an answer!?” the old coot reeled back in shock, but Bilbo advanced, his eyes glowing and his finger jabbing high at Gandalf’s chest. “I think you knew very well that I chose to pass on this little ‘adventure’ of yours, and yet, I find these- these,” Bilbo sputtered, gesturing wildly at the surrounding dwarves, “HEATHENS in my abode!!! Wizard, damn you to Mordor!”

Just as the newest arrival looked fit to say something, Bilbo whirled on him, amber eyes still lit with fury. “And you aren’t innocent in this! I could have called the bounders, and had your brethren carted off to somewhere no one would find you again, but I hosted you well enough. And yet, the first one to arrive,” Bilbo turned on a  _ cowering _ Dwalin as he yelled: “STUFFED HIS FACE WITH MY DINNER!!! 

“The next one might not have known any better,” Bilbo shot a glare at Balin who offered a sheepish grimace, “But you two,” he whirled on the demon-brothers, whose eyes were wide in shock, “I TOLD YOU NOT TO COME IN AND YOU  _ SWAGGERED _ ON IN ANYWAYS!!!! Just as I’m making for the hills, I hear ANOTHER KNOCK AT MY DOOR!” Bilbo laughed breathlessly.

“And who is it, I ask? WHO IS IT?!” He was truly shouting now. “A MOUNTAIN OF DWARVES, CRUSHING ME FLAT TO THE GROUND!!!! Thief and all! I’ll have to ask you for my mother’s silverware back, later,” Bilbo frowned at a shocked dwarf; apparently, the creature wasn’t used to his actions being spotted by sharp-eyed hobbits. 

“I deal with you lot well enough, despite the fact that I have NO IDEA WHY YOU ARE EVEN HERE TO BEGIN WITH, and then,” he laughs, breathless, “and THEN, THRIN BROODYSHIELD OR WHATEVER OVER HERE DECIDES TO  _ INSULT  _ ME, TREATING THE MEDDLER INSTEAD WITH MANNERS!!!! Do you think  _ GANDALF _ owns this smial?!??!?? No!!! SO I THINK I’VE EARNED AT LEAST A CRUMB OF RESPECT FOR LETTING YOUR DWARVES TEAR IT APART!!! NOW MAYBE WE COULD SIT DOWN AND TALK ABOUT THIS LIKE  _ CIVILIZED RACES OF ARDA??!?!??? _ ”

Aside from Bilbo’s panting, the smial was elapsed in total quietude. Gandalf shifted uncomfortably, and at The Broody Dwarf’s glare shot to The Meddler.

“My apologies?” tried Gandalf.

“Not,” growled The Broody Dwarf (Bilbo changed his opinion; perhaps he was useful after all), “good enough.”


End file.
